Monday, October 12, 2009

Toto SoftClose Toilets in Every Parent's House

It's a wondrous life we parents lead, thinking our little children adore us. I know I for one picture a gaze of love and wonder and respect when Bird and Deal daydream about how darn right awesome I am. Oh I have intricate, if not deluded, images of how fantastically perfect I am and that they relish in winning the mommy lottery. I like to imagine that they truly believe that mommy rocks. I sometimes trick myself into thinking that they'd never trade me for the mom who buys Lucky Charms and Lunchables and never utters the phrase "Mind your table manners." Granted, what's lucky about motherhood is that my sons have no other reference points.

We moms and dads like to think that we are the proverbial apple of our children's eyes, as they are ours (most of the time, ahem). What's with all the apple analogies anyway? (e.g. Apple of my eye. Apple that didn't fall from the tree. One bad apple ruins the whole bushel. And let's just toss in the whole apple a day bit for fun.) Anyhoo, we figure it's well into the tween years that our children start finding our faults and uttering the I hate yous and slamming doors in our faces. I don't know if you've ever used a Toto SoftClose toilet before (pegged as "The Ultimate Toilet Seat"...who knew there was such a thing?!), but I'm telling you, there's a market here for SoftClose doors.

Pardon me while I digress a moment. I'm about to impart incredibly important information. Did ya catch the alliteration there? Alliteration comes second to homonyms in the hierarchy of my love of words and all the tricks they do. This is why math is no fun. Math is right or wrong. No tricks. No sleight of hand. Just a bunch of black and white aha moments tied up in a neat bow with exactly the same lengths of ribbon. Now where was I? Aha! Toilet seats! So the Toto SoftClose toilet seat has a lid that doesn't slam. All four of our bathrooms are outfitted with these puppies. Think about it, I have three boys lifting (and closing because I have taught them all about staph germs and manners) toilet seats around this joint. All I need is a trip to the ER because of a slammed little johnson. And I'll never jump in shock while slicing kohlrabi from the sound of a SLAM! What? You don't know what kohlrabi is? What is wrong with you people?! Just trust me when I tell you that toilet seat reduces injury. And it reduces noise. I'll do anything to make my house a quieter home. If it were self-cleaning like my oven we'd be on to something.

Stick with me here, I promise you this toilet seat potty business is going somewhere. We're going places, I tell you!

So I think we need to plan for the teenage years of doors inevitably slamming by installing the Toto SoftClose hinges on all our doors. You parents of girls should definitely heed this. I recall slamming many a door in my day. And wow what a satisfying feeling that was. Better than a Snickers at 10:00 AM behind closed doors. I have a hunch many doors will be slammed in my house. If a smushed johnson doesn't land us in the emergency room a lost finger just might. Wally Lamb said it best, I know this much is true.

Now back to our previously scheduled post.

While we mommies and daddies might fool ourselves into thinking that our children find us irresistible and spectacular, I'm here to burst your bubble that's firmly perched on a high horse.

Allow me to spin a speedy tale.

My friend's 4-year old daughter was wielding a toy magic wand (as opposed to a real magic wand, duh!). This little girls loves to deck out in pink and tutus and tulle. She is really a princess who simply poses as the girl-next-door type of regular kid. We're on to her bewitching shenanigans. And I can tell you that this little girl worships her mommy. So while wielding said wand she asked her mommy what she wanted to be turned into. And my friend, princess' mommy, smiled warmly, fanned the tiny yet powerful flame in her heart, and replied, "Well dear, all I want is to be a beautiful mommy."


Fire's out.

Her 4-year daughter replied, "Mommy, pick something else. I don't have enough magic for that!"

Proverbial door slammed in my friend's face. Woulda hurt less if the words had a Toto SoftClose.

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colby said...

Oh the sound of the toilet seat slamming in the middle of the night is almost as bad as when Zander wakes me up to say, "Mom I have to go to the bathroom." Well go, you don't have to wake me up to tell me this. The slam does though. I too have taught my son to close the lid, oh those germs fly 25 feet!!

@sweetbabboo said...

You crack me up. I love this! Although my guy isn't yet potty-training, I know the seat slamming my husband does already drives me batty. Of course, when I visit other people's houses where the lid is left up, I appreciate his slam a little more.

Will have to look into these and the doors too if they ever make them.


Drew @ Cook Like Your Grandmother said...

Oh, damn. That's cold. That kid has a future as an American Idol judge.

And by the way, you don't need soft-close doors. If the kid slams hers, just take the door off. Presto, no more slamming.

Anonymous said...

I wish for that noise. My sons pee all over the seat.
My friend has a solution for teenaged door slamming. Door off the hinges. Worked like a charm.

ginavon said...

I love how you weaved this story together - I have had the door slammed a few times myself. I got a kick out of the apple-isms especially since my Gramps used to call me Princess Apples. ;-)

Superdumb Supervillain said...

Would you believe I just switched out all the old wooden toilet seats in the house for these? (Well, not Toto brand, whatever they sell at Home Depot.) Total awesomeness and also easily removable should you wish to clean more thoroughly. As if.

Unknown said...

Totally Toto in our house too!! Did you notice when you were visiting??