Wednesday, July 9, 2008

What Not to Say if You Want to Be My Friend: Deal Breakers

I owe thanks to Poison Pen for slipping me this post idea this morning. She's the one of Ball Pit fame.

Back when I was in the dating game, there were certain deal breakers. Tighty whiteys for starters. Keep in mind I was dating before the days of boxer briefs, but those would be a definite potential deal breaker. Boxers all the way, man. Squeezing toothpaste in the middle: a deal breaker to this neat freak. Granted, things had already gotten pretty far if I was privy to toothpaste habits. A hairy back was a definite deal breaker. An ass smaller than mine: also a deal breaker. There are of course the obvious ones like voting Republican, wearing too much cologne, talking about his ex, bad table manners, being plain stupid, mussed up shoes (Aw, come on! Shoes tell a lot about a man!), or hitting on my friends (with a hotties like Shannon and Cathy as my closest friends, this one cropped up a lot).

Now that I'm learning to feel and find my way in the mom world, I find myself dating again. There are deal breakers in this game too. Here are a few recent ones I've encountered. These are for real, not figments of my imagination. I wish I had mugshots to warn you to stay away, far away, from these women.

"We home school our three children ages 2-6." Luckily my cell phone rang, and I just had to take the call.

"We're thinking about buying a pop-up camper." I wanted to say, "You're not Barbie, Lady."

"What do you think about a mom's weekend away? We could do crafts in our camper!" Again with the camper. Who are these people?! I reckon there would be no margaritas served in that camper.

"So maybe we could get together to do some scrapbooking?" Frankly I'm insulted she took me to be a scrapbooker. Anything I'd create from these hands would be a crapbook. And that sounds more fun because there would be alcohol involved.

"Oh, isn't it sad that Jesse Helms died?" WHAAATTT??!!!?? It was all I could do to not punch her in the gut. The world would have been better without the likes of him. Now sock it to me for saying something so disparaging about a dead man . Being dead doesn't make him sacred.

"I see my role in life to make my husband happy." Um, yeah. I'm all for that if he's making me happy too. Has she not heard the adage, "Ain't nobody happy if momma ain't happy?" That's rule numero uno at my house.

"My son is wearing a shirt from Target, but his shorts are from Talbotts." I'm not kidding you that these were the first words uttered out of this woman's mouth. What on my face made me look like I gave a shit what her kid was wearing? Little did she know that there was no need to be so apologetic about the Target attire; that carried more weight than Talbotts.

"Did you breastfeed? My daughter is five, and I still breastfeed her. She really enjoys it." DO NOT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THIS ONE. Shudder. Shudder. Shudder.

"I just vote the way my husband tells me too." And are you enjoying living in the year 1953?

"I don't like to shop and I don't care what shoes I'm wearing." Seriously? I thought she was joking. Find me a woman who doesn't like shoes for cripes sake! I'd rather hang with the homeschooler than a woman who doesn't drool over shoes.

So tell me, what are your deal breakers? I'd like to be armed with some examples lest I'm accosted at the park by a suspicious looking scrapbooker sporting lace up Keds.
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Robin said...

I'm not a scrapbooker, but you might be on to something there with the drunken scrapbooking. Could be a whole new trend ;-).

Adcock Circus said...

After having 3 children it really is dangerous for me to laugh that hard, found your blog thru another blog.
Living in North Carolina too, I have been in such similar conversations since having kids. But a deal breaker for me is those Mommies that want to have a recipe exchange play date with recipes from "Taste of Home" I say let's have a wine tasting instead,(so what it is noon) I can almost hear them praying for me.

Dr. Pepper said...

Well, I'm not good at deal breakers because I can be friends with anyone. On one hand, I like that about myself, but on the other hand I feel like it's bad because I don't draw lines for myself. I let anyone in and I feel like I'm cheating myself. I have always been way too "middle of the road". Sometimes I just want to stand for something and not see both sides of the arguments, like I usually do.

Anyway, along those lines, again, I have never created deal breakers for myself. And, I want a camper. I enjoy camping but would much prefer a camper over a tent. Second, one of my closest friends homeschools her 2 kids. So, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be friends with me either! LOL!

The rest... the breastfeeding a 5 year old, yes, deal breaker. I would NOT be friends with a woman that does that. I would speak politely to her and say hello in passing, but I would not want to be her friend.

The Target and Talbott's thing... UGH! SNOB much? I would tell her that my son is wearing a tie-dyed shirt that his uncle gave him and shorts from Once Upon a Child.. you know... 2nd hand! She would probably fucking hang herself if she heard that.

I'm also not a scrapper and as much as I feel bad about that sometimes, you know, not having nice pictoral memories of my kids, I have to be honest with myself... I would rather shop for shoes than spend 8 hours creating a scrap book page. I don't have the time and won't MAKE the time. Deal with it scrappy mommy.

Dr. Pepper said...

And I hate that my login says Dr. Pepper instead of Angel like it used to say. Grrrr.

Anonymous said...

I would have to say Moms who try to hard to impress in whatever way necessary. Also, the Moms who attempt to make you think they are perfect parents with perfect kids.

Anonymous said...

"Um, I don't actually drink. At all."


Anonymous said...

Not being a mom yet, I can only relate to the dating deal breakers. I'm with you on the shoes thing, but I take mine a step further, I won't date anyone who wears white gym shoes (unless they're on their way to the gym). I also won't date a guy who drives a pickup truck (i have no issues with trucks other than having gotten my heart broken too many times by guys who drive them) and they have to care about politics. If you're not registered to vote, don't try to date me (although, I'd be glad to get you registered). Ha. Thanks for making me laugh today.

Anonymous said...

Sadly, but I found the Jesse Helms comment very funny...

Deal breaker for me is when you stink.

Lay over from Japan, just wanted to say hi.

Anonymous said...

found you via my friend cynematic at pillowbook :) off the top of my slightly-functional brain, some deal breakers:

deal breaker: those mommies who can't understand why i let my kids listen to punk.

deal breaker: those mommies who actually expect my house to be clean just because i am at home.

and deal breaker: anyone who has an issue with me because i didn't change my name when i got married (18 years ago) and still insists on calling me Mrs. Husband's Last Name.

drunken scrapbooking. ::snerk::

OrangePolkaDot said...

too funny... You are so right about mom dealbreakers. Being out in the world with mothers is totally like dating!

glad you are blogging - love your posts!

Anonymous said...

My dealbreakers:
1. "Have you accepted Jesus as your savior?"
--I'm pretty happy as a heathen and am glad you found your groove too. Boundaries, people!
2. Queen Bee activity and letting your daughter also grow up to be a Queen Bee.
3. Actually believing that your Humvee is safer/better than a subcompact.
--Bzzzt, no. Think again.

Anonymous said...

Breastfeeding, your favorite sister in law did!! Remember? As for scrapbooking I am guilty and my son has even enjoyed looking at them. I don't get all crazy and go on the weekend things or the camper thing, but with the ton of photo albums I have this is one way to keep my sons pictures seperate for him to take one day. I can't say I would have time with the next one. Great deal breakers!!