Tales From the Coffee Shop

Overheard at a table near me at the my local coffee shop:

"I can't wait to see how Nader screws the Democrats."

"Obama-domma-ding-dong!"

Big, oafy laughter ensues. I swear there was knee slapping and back patting too.

Allow me to set the stage:
These ridiculous sentiments were spoken (rather loudly) by four gray haired geezers who were complaining about the price of coffee. You're at a COFFEE SHOP, dudes! If you want to sip the cheap stuff, go home and use the old percolator to brew some Folgers. Or better yet, add two tablespoons of instant grounds to some tepid water and knock yourselves out. Mix in the Metamucil and keep your potty talk to yourself. Incidentally, the conversation before the Democrat bashing went something like this:

"I think the best thing would be to have a toilet in the shower. That way I can sit on the pot [yes, pot!] and spray myself clean to shave off time getting ready in the morning."

Dudes, you're RETIRED and don't have a time card to punch in anymore. Your Rush Limbaugh cronies can wait. OK, now they're talking about how Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity are demigods and that CNN is sooooo liberal. Then they shuddered and spit as if the simple act of saying the word "liberal" was akin to eating dirt from the bottom of a shepherd's shoe. It reminds of the mom in St. Elmo's Fire who whispered unpretty words like "cancer."

Pretend you are playing the childhood game of One of These Things is Not Like the Other. In this particular coffee shop there are laptops galore (mostly Dells from what I can see - poor fools don't know how easy life could be with an Apple), moms with toddlers strapped into Maclaren strollers, suited up business folks with crooked crackberry thumbs, and the random grad student who clearly stayed up late validating online resources for her thesis. Everyone looks like paying a buck and change for a cup of joe is pretty darn reasonable.

One of these redneck guys is wearing a black Members Only jacket with a baby blue collared shirt and tie. I'm pretty sure this look was never in vogue, even the oh, 27 years ago that the Members Only brand launched. Can one even buy those anymore? The other guy is wearing a turtleneck, Hollywood Polo Club sweatshirt, and maroon polyester scarf that's all pilled over. For some reason there's an 8-roll package of Bounty paper towels on the chair in between the men, as if it were a Braga Antonius Stradivarius cello flying along in the middle seat because the musician doesn't trust baggage handlers. What the F@#*?! A new friend, Bobby, just showed up. He's dressed like the Gorton's fisherman, and it's not even raining out. In fact, there's not even a chance of rain (we are in drought, after all).

I should also mention that these men have the thickest Southern accents I have ever heard. I am only understanding about half of the conversation. Yes, I am eavesdropping. Quite blatantly at that. Even Zora Neale Hurston couldn't scribe their accents in a way that would make any sense. These guys say "sumbitch" instead of son of a bitch like the way more cultured, erudite types say it.

Here's a good one:
"Alcohol's a drug that should be illegal. Sure, my daddy made 'shine back in the day, but that was different." (In the South people who are decades past their prime say "daddy" and "grand daddy" but refer to their moms as "mother" and other women as "sister." )

Yeah, buddy, the rules are always different when you need to tweak them for yourself. David Duke was pro life until asked what he'd do if his teenage daughter came home pregnant. Hypocrisy is so unbecoming, gentlemen.

I can laugh at these guys and make fun of them for the whole world to read (rather, both people who read this blog - thanks Mom and Dad!), but the truth is, there are likely more of them in the world than the likes of me. How will I diffuse this when my boys are with me and overhear this banter? Sure, I'm making fun of people I don't even know, though we teach tolerance and acceptance at home. All in the name of humor, not hypocrisy.